Bilabial trill

I am feeling annoyed and slightly insane, only slightly though. This may be due to the two hours of Zach Galifianakis I just watched — his level of insanity is great enough that it easily diffuses into me. I am unmotivated to work on my game. I hate that computers have finite speed. This game would be great if not for the inevitable performance problems. I’m tired of having ideas that require the latest processor in three Moore’s laws to run. I’m rebellious toward all the commitments I have made to others. I wish my left hand would heal so I could play Beethoven again. I wish I had good things to write about, good ideas to implement, good music to perform. Even though I am more musically active than I have been in years, I am frustrated that I feel so uncreative.

And I don’t care that this is a tech blog. For once I am not writing to get thousands of hits. Maybe I should be grateful that that is pretty easy these days. Thanks to all my loyal readers :-).

I have this idea about a programming IDE that I am very frustrated doesn’t exist. I’m having a hard time getting past it in my projects — I know exactly how I would design it if I had this feature, but I don’t, and no language I know of does, so I get stuck. I have to settle for ugly shit like singletons when I could just abstract over the code that references it and be modularly well-fed. I hate singletons. They should just call them globals. It is more truthful.

I wrote a song (score) and shared it on Facebook. First song I’ve written in years. Warnocked. Bleh. No pity please.

I got a delightful little meme from Karen the other day. It reads:

To the first five people who comment to this post, I will gift you with something of my own crafting. It may be an icon, a manip, a drawing, a ficlet, or something completely random. You may love it or you may think it sucks, but regardless, it will be made with love for you from me. ;) Feel free to give me a hint of what you might like (ship, character, actor/actress, fandom, color, etc).

The catch? You must pay it forward and post this in your journal so you can gift 5 of your friends with special gifts made by you.

So I posted that in Facebook too. Warnocked. Well that one doesn’t really carry the same dilemma. That really frustrates me. Here I am, willing to give to my friends, and nobody wants anything. Maybe it’s just because people are really bad at saying that they want something. Or maybe it’s because I am still distant with my friends. I don’t want to be anymore.

You know, I have a theory. I have observed that my relationship with my mother is a lot like my relationships with women, and my relationship with my father is a lot like my relationships with my friends. I figure it probably reverses for women.

I want to be funny. How does one come up with a good joke? I have no idea.

I really want Anna to feel good about herself. I see her tearing herself to pieces from the inside, and it makes me sad. I know it doesn’t sound like I feel good about myself right now, and that given that observation it is probably apropos to focus on myself first. But I’m generally happy and generally feel good about myself. I’m just having an emo-reflective streak.

See, I’m not getting at anything, I’m just blabbing. I notice that my posts are less curious and more argumentative these days. Maybe its because my arguments get more attention, maybe it’s because I feel like I have created a stronger work when I make an argument. Maybe it’s because (or the cause that) I have not been very curious recently. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been very creative.

I love the Beatles. I didn’t used to, but I heard the light… you know what I mean. They’re great. You can probably guess why I thought of them :-).

I wonder why I don’t want to go to sleep. I think it’s because then 8 or 9 hours will fly by, and then it won’t be long before I have to go deal with the world again. Eric (my “busking manager”, heh) is being a pain in the ass, as usual. I always make sure to express my gratitude for what he’s done, buying a piano for me to play. But man he makes it a chore. He constantly bugs me to get out there and gets upset with me if I miss a day. God forbid I want to spend some fleeting time with my friends when they are available. I don’t want to associate my musical expression with such stress. He is something of a projective narcissist — he expects me to make that the center of my life, my “primary gig”, and fit in everything else around it. His words. I get really angry at him sometimes.

I want to make something beautiful and inspiring. Not just one thing, actually. That’s what I want to be doing in every aspect of my life. I love creating. I’m tired of relationship drama. I’m tired of being unable to tell if I’m being honest with myself (or rather, able to tell that I’m not, and not able to hear what the truth is). I’m aware that my heart aches. My intention is to fulfill it.

I took this seminar called Insight once when I was 14 and again this year. It’s wonderful — it helped me in so many ways the first time, and it was a nice reawakening the second time. One of their techniques is simply to fill in those two sentences: “I am aware …. My intention is ….”. It really helps focus my energy.

That’s all.

Oh, and I never mind a little flattry. Flattr this


5 thoughts on “Bilabial trill

  1. I loved your piece! Maybe the counterpoint is a bit too formal in the first part (the echoing trills in the upper and lower voice made it stand out a bit for me), but I was waiting for the modulation and I was quite surprised to find that the naïve sentimentality of the first minutes progressed to feelings with more depth and shade in the latter half. It sounded like Beethoven saying “I know my Bach, but hear this!”. Cheers!

  2. People are listening, but maybe they are busy searching for their own answers. Don’t be too hard on yourself. (And talking as a C++ hater, if you are not currently using C++ for your game you might reconsider it, to help solve your performance problems.)

    I agree with Matías that the music got really good at the end (if that’s what he’s saying). Thank you for sharing and making my tumultuous day a little more serene.

  3. > I want to be funny. How does one come up with a good joke?

    Plumb the depths of sadnesslossdespair. The best jokes come from the abyss
    (ever heard someone crying so hard he’s laughing?).

    Oh and get a good guide. You might lose yourself there.

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