I’ve been vaguely wanting to write again––ideas pop up now and again, say, in the car––”I should write about that!”––but then I get home, my habits take over, and the idea is lost. So I guess I am following some wisdom I learned from who-knows-where and dipping my toe in the water, just to see how it feels, and maybe it will become a habit, or maybe not.
I have enough experience with myself to know that when I set out to create some Great Opus––usually a series of blog posts or videos, or anything ending in “number 1”, or anything where I give too much service to imagining the great and important impact that this thing will have––I do the first bit and then literally never work on it again. Commitmentphobe. So this is not that. I am not Starting Blogging Again, I’m just blogging again.
Which is weird, isn’t it? You’d think feeling like something is going to make a splash on the world would be motivating, not demotivating. The only thing I am consistently motivated to do is practice piano (ironically, I didn’t practice at all today, but that does not make me the least bit skeptical of my statement since it has been so consistent for so many years). I suppose that’s not true––I have successfully made short-term commitments to meditate, exercise, what have you, and kept them. I guess my reading of this is that I am deeply process-oriented, not results-oriented. Even in practice––I will happily practice my scales for an hour, but I have tried to make a commitment to master some piece of music by a certain date, or finish a book of sightreading exercises, and those, too, fall through.
About writing… I wonder if I could make a commitment to––shut up. The result doesn’t matter to me, so why make a commitment!? I think this gets at the truth of it. I don’t actually care whether I finish that series of videos, or master that piece of music. Sometimes I spend a lot of time telling myself what I ought to care about, and
Yeah see I’m done with this post now.