Here’s a freewrite. I am going to write stuff, I don’t know what, because there isn’t all that much to talk about, or at least that’s what I’ve been saying. Pause. Can’t do that. Okay keep writing.
I don’t know if I’m even going to publish this as private which my mom reads. But whatever, I don’t care. I don’t want to inhibit the flow though, so I’ll assume I won’t even if I do etc. etc.
Yeah, so there’s nothing to talk about, right? Nothing at all. Scanning, scanning, looking for something to write about that isn’t about Karen because there’s nothing to talk about, right?
Okay, enough of this bullshit. I’m actually relatively happy with the whole Karen situation, I don’t really know why I’m so avoidant(?) about it. Pause. Pause pause. Keep going. I chatted with her last night on google talk until about 3am. We had a nice personal talk, and actually talked about each other a fair amount, instead of just the external business, er, not business, that wasn’t a good word, external stuff like music and whatnot. Pause.
She’s really sweet sometimes. She said she was in a foul mood because of visiting Ithaca and her “drama-free” friends. When I further inquired, I was on her list of drama-causes. I guess that makes sense. I don’t know why or how I was hoping not to be. Anyway. She seems to have come to terms with it and says she is going to just enjoy her self for her remaining 5 months.
5 months. Man, that’s not very long, and she seems pretty certain about returning to Ithaca. Well fine. Whatever, I’ll just not worry about it and enjoy myself for the remaining 5 months also.
Am I allowed to backspace when I make a typo? I have been. Let’s try it wouthout that for a little while.
I’m wrtorried that I gave the wrong message to pause what’s his name um Will. I acted unseasy about his guitarist roommate when he said he was going to play with us., I’ve been wantint to write an email or something saying thats just a weid thing I have and it’s actually fine. Which it might be. I figure it might be nice to have a third tonal instrument for the kinds of things I want to go. Id guess that I just am afraid he will reject my ideas, since I am doing some rather weird stuff, ro rather wanting to do some rather weird stuff.
Pause. Ack this is hard to geek oing untouinteruppetd espectially not correctying tyopos. If you look closely you can see that most of tee letters in the type of are form words a coule words ahead. Means I my mind is ahead of my fingers maybe, maybe it hsouhg nt’ be, *laugh* that was a good one. Maybe I should just concentratie on writing exactly what my fingers on typeing noint on the next word. Lol this is great.
What else what ealse. What fi I dont’ write about my life? Tharjo this freewrite thing is hard beause my keyboard kind of sucks because I spilled coke on it the other day. Sticky, the shift key is quitty unresponsive andsuch. I guess
Ack I hace a headache! I’ve had one all day. WHatever all day means. I selpt for many many hours. Um. I got up at 7:30pm. I forget when I went to bed, but it was not after 7:30 am. So, great 12 hours. I’m sleeping a lot. I don’t know why. I thnk one of the reasons is because it’s cold in the house.
Pause. Oh eah not write about my life. What else is there in my life but my life though There are pretty carpte and things outside like I’m closing my eyes and typing now. To force myself not to correct myself and hopefully immerse myself a bit more. So things outside, like the moon and grass and a great glow. New moon right now. New moon = no moon, hm, what does that say about new ideas? Do I have anynew ideas? Should I stop being introspective for once. I probably didn’t type introspective correctly there, did I?
Programming is something. I keep saying ot myself “x times y inberse” and crap like that. I t has no context, it’s just blind mathematical formulae. I have no idea what why I do that. Hmm.
This is near, writing with my eleyes closed., I am now picturing a beatch, though I wasn’t when I started typing “I’m now picturing”. At that point, or maybe it’s now, I can’t tell, what is time, it’s fleeting after all isn’t it. What do I care what I though then or will think later. How can I trust that those things actually happene, all I know is what I am thinking now. And I only think I know what I was thinking or will be thinking, espectilally was thinking, as that is the great illusion.
And right now, I don’t care about Karen do i? I have only mainly been thinking about her for the last, um, 8 moinths? Wow. But she’s not around right now, so what does it matter. I can just be free, and why do I worry about feeling emotions or not feeling emotions. Why can do I have to label my emotions such, can’t I just be free and be? Emotions are low-level detiails that miss the big picture.
Am I sounding like namaste yet?
Monad. I don’t know why I was inclined to write that word. Neat though. What I want to type Monday, I type Monad. I think that probablly means I’ve been doing too much programming.
Okay, I’m done. here. Eyes open.
Hey that was fun. And I didn’t make any “progress” or anything. Why should I have to? It’s just a little piano improvisation without the piano.